This guidance is meant for new IT professionals who are starting their careers in IT Service Management (ITSM).
Congratulations, you are now among the chosen people at the top of the technology pyramid. ITSM is the most important activity in any modern corporation, without it there would be no invoices and no salaries. IT leads the way in development and builds the future of the company using all the latest technology.
Unfortunately there is a lot of envy, those people who are no qualified enough to enter the IT organization tend to harbor negative feelings against the chosen few. For example, a Sales Director may think that he should be allowed to use the latest gadgets and does not understand that IT needs to study the technology closely before the ignorant can be allowed to use the potentially harmful tools.
Idiot Management (IM) is one of the most important processes which protects the IT staff from the envy and hatred of the ignorant masses. For obvious reasons, we do not use this term in public, we call it Incident Management (IM). For the same obvious reasons the organization managing idiots is called the Service Desk.
Working in a Service Desk is demanding work and it is natural that the youngest employees start there, protecting the rest of the IT staff.
2 Idiot Management process
The purpose of Idiot Management is to provide a sheltered and relaxed atmosphere where IT professionals can study latest technology and methods.
The goal of Idiot Management is to keep the users sufficiently satisfied without wasting too much effort.
2.1 Key concepts
User is a person who has been allowed to enjoy the fruits of the labors of the IT staff. Users often fail to show proper gratitude and respect for this privilege.
Idiot is a user who is incompetent to use the services and technology.
Incident is whatever the idiot complains about. It is always the idiot’s own fault if the technology does not work.
Sufficient satisfaction is the state of mind where the idiot gives up and stops complaining. It is important that the Service Desk does not annoy the idiot too much. Annoyed idiot may start management distortion which affects negatively the relaxed atmosphere.
Management distortion is the interference cause by incompetent management.
2.2 Process steps
1) Acceptance
It is important to maintain the impression of friendliness and helpfulness. The staff must be able to fake this attitude. Excellent method is to learn to automatically smile and say “How may I help you” whenever one answers the phone. Exercise this in front of a mirror while your colleagues tell jokes to you. It is important to keep the smile on your face regardless of whatever you feel. With e-mail it is recommended to use long standard replies with nonsensical platitudes about the idiots importance etc.
The idiots problem should be recorded in a ticket. The ticket will be the only document of the matter and can be used as a proof against management distortion showing that IT has wasted resources helping the idiot.
2) Busywork
It is important to activate the idiot to do something immediately. The easiest way is to require the idiot to provide a lot of information, which is difficult to find. The information should be supplied on a form which prevents copy-paste, as this might be too easy.
3) Questions
Asking questions gives the impression of being helpful. It is not necessary to listen or read the answers, just use a standard script. It is entirely possible that idiot solves his problem himself by answering to these questions.
4) Closure
Make sure that you close the ticket in time. This must be done even if the idiot has not been able to solve the case. In this situation the best way is to give the idiot some chore or a vague promise. Remember to thank them for their call/message without laughing out loud.
3 Measurements
The only real measurement is the amount of management distortion that affects negatively the relaxed atmosphere, but for management purposes there are three key measurements:
1) Availability
It is important to answer all calls within agreed queue time. If there are a lot of calls, it is better to accidentally disconnect current discussion and answer a new call.
2) Solution rate
Remember to close all tickets as solved and do not reopen them. It is better to open a new ticket if an idiot complains about the solution.
3) Customer satisfaction
Send a survey to all idiots that actually were able to solve their problems. Have a manager to call each idiot who does not rate the support Good or Excellent; and require them to explain why they do not appreciate the enormous effort done for their sake. Show them that they were responsible for the incident and that they should be grateful for the support they have received. If they do not get the message, put them on a black list and block their calls and emails.
4 Social media and Idiot Management
The idiots may try to cause management disruption using social media. It is extremely important to deflect this. All written answers must be long, complicated and overly polite. Never say or write what you are thinking. The best precaution is to prevent management from accessing any social media; the usual security problems are a good pretence.
Young IT professionals, don'r get fooled by this guy, he's completely bonkers. This is the user perspective with respect to service desks:
Step 1: Avoid calling the service desk until there are no other options
Step 2: Pray you talk to someone you can understand and who understands you
Step 3: Keep pushing them to call you back and come up with a solution
Step 4: Fill in a survey that doesn’t ask the right questions
Step 5: Take some pills to calm down
No comments:
Post a Comment